A glance through the old spam folder reveals that spammers are using humor more to get you to click on their products — none more so than the penis enlargement ones. I’ve laughed at everything from “You’ll be surprised at your new penis” to “Bigger penis won’t be on TV but in your shorts” to “I’m gagging on my boyfriend’s new big one”.

We’re all going to get spam. There is no way around that, so I would like to offer up some subject lines for these spammers to keep their audience continually entertained:

• Stop your lover from saying “I’d rather play with the Wii in the living room”
• Give her a reason to ignore your crotch stank
• Value Pack! 20% More!
• 8″ Wonder Of The World!
• It puts the lotion on its penis. It does this without being told because it’s SO HUGE!
• 2 + 2 = a penis to please the most insatiable mathematician
• Erect your own Washington Monument
• It won’t cure your herpes, but the sores will look smaller in comparison
• Turn your schlort or schledium into a schlong!
• She’ll never go hungry again

Want to add length to this list? Leave your favorite subject or make one up in the comments. If you don’t, something bad will happen to your toaster in ten days.

Stop making fun of humor-blogs.com’s laugh log!

Listening to: “Bee Of The Bird Of The Moth” - They Might Be Giants

Have you ever wanted someone who has committed an atrocity to get their comeuppance with gusto? Me, too. So I’ve come up with a way to deal with one criminal element — the date rapist. We put them on national television in yet another reality television series.

Take a suspected serial date rapist, put him in a situation where he thinks that he’s drugged some unsuspecting victim, and tape it in a slightly grainy albeit artsy style a la “Candid Camera”. This way he’s not only caught in the act, but there is visual proof.

As our alleged rapist closes in on his prey, the action stops. Before the show was even put into production, we’ve made a special hire. We will, of course, have to dig him out of 20+ years of obscurity, but it will be worth it because as we nervously watch the predator — tension mounted high — a whispered voice will say:

We’ve replaced John Smith of [insert address in your town here to increase fear], phone number xxx-xxx-xxxx’s normal date rape victim with a cadaver. Let’s see if he can taste the difference.

After the Folgers Crystals guy finishes, we cut to a multi-angle, close-up montage of the perpetrator’s face as he does his business so we can see his triumphant leer turn into inquisitiveness, then to dawning comprehension and then to disgusted disbelief as he realizes what he’s done. And we, the viewing audience, get to laugh and laugh quite evilly at his obvious disgust like we do with all reality shows. Plus the criminal will not only end up in jail, but will have been publicly humiliated on national television. It’s a can’t-miss hit!

Of course, if the rapist actually enjoys what he is doing then we won’t air that episode. I mean, we have to have some taste and decorum about the sensitive issue of rape. Otherwise, we can all just sit back and watch the Best Reality Show Emmy Nominations come rolling in due to “good-cause” guilt politics.

*totally lying about that. It was Kevin’s idea anyway.

Humor-blogs.com would never, ever slip you a roofie.

In a surprise upset last night, Bjork took first place at the Miss Georgia Peach competition after Miss Decatur slipped out of her pit and fell 20 feet to the stage below while performing her death-defying peach-stomping routine. The competition resumed soon after to the evening gown section when Bjork — against the wishes of her coach — went on stage as the self-proclaimed Princess Rainbow Peach. “Swans are so 2001! Everything is peaches. And I don’t mean that naughty skank of a singer who sang about sucking on her titties, which I’ve done. I mean who HASN’T done Peaches,” the diminutive Icelandic singer told The Web Pen. The judges were impressed and gave her top marks.

Even amid the controversy that she entered the pageant merely as a publicity stunt to promote her new album, Volta — out May 7 in the UK and May 8 in the US on Little Indian/Atlantic records and available in your favorite record store or online outlet — Bjork said nothing to judges or the audience about her new album which features guests like Timbaland and Antony Hegarty and is sure to be a new chapter in the awe-inspiring collection of music that is Bjork. When asked by the judges what she would to do better the world as Miss Georgia Peach she replied, “Everything is music.” This won over the judges who seemed to be quite drunk on peach wine at that point otherwise they would have known she said that years ago in “Rolling Stone”.

And now a Web Pen exclusive. We’ve obtained a picture of Bjork in the evening gown that won her the title of Miss Georgia Peach. Here she is — Princess Rainbow Peach!

Imagine my complete and utter surprise when I got to work this morning and found an email from Stephen Colbert. Outlook had unceremoniously dumped it in my junk mail folder. I immediately gave the filter a stern talking-to and a spanking just to make sure it understood that anything from the comic genius of Stephen Colbert should be not only put into my main inbox, but should also have a shower of glittery stars, rainbows, unicorns and candy hearts springing forth to catch my eye so that I may read it immediately if not sooner.

I mean, it’s Stephen Colbert. One does NOT ignore Stephen Colbert.

Anyway, once I got into the email, I discovered something a bit perplexing. It was not the “I finally got around to reading your blog after receiving your five emails a day demanding that I do so and, boy, am I glad I did! I want to offer you a job as a writer on the show” email that I was hoping. Instead, it read as follows:

Online Games
750$ free bonus

All your favorite games
Slots, Roulette & Blackjack

Click here

Was it a joke? Is he trying to make a little extra money. It then hit me. He had discovered that I haven’t discovered my gambling problem and wanted to help start my road to ruin and eventually my road to recovery by giving me $750 free cash to start a gambling problem. Is he trying to subvert people who didn’t even know they have a problem? I will be so mad at him if he sends out an email in a few months announcing the opening his Stephen Colbert Home For People I Got Addicted To Gambling rehab palace. Grrrrr.

I say we put a stop to this right now! That’s right, I’m going to give out his personal email address to everyone.

It is eldgnvlgmg@blrb.com (which seems a bit queer seeing as how much he loves himself that he didn’t use his name in the email. Eh, I can’t worry about that now.)

Please use it to tell Stephen “People Are Such Suckas” Colbert that his tactic for addicting people to things they didn’t know they were addicted to is shameful and unappreciated. In fact, I’m going to protest by watching his show two days late on Tivo instead of just one. That’ll show him that people are not here just to be manipulated. They can be totally used as well.

Listening to: D.M.S.R. - Prince