Finally! The musical combination for which the world has been waiting. Oh, the idea has been out there, but it took someone only getting 5 hours sleep in a night of barking dogs to come up with it. Combining the talents of the brothers Sherman with Nancy Sinatra and Cher — the world can now rejoice in the musical heaven of:

“Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)”

And for you DJ’s out there, we want the hear the “Titty Titty Bang Bang Mix”

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I ran home last night after work to get ready for tonight’s Rodent show and discovered that one of the house guest had found one of my hidden DVDs and watched it. He even left the disc in the player and the box for anyone to see. We still have guests in the house so you can imagine how embarrassed I was to go downstairs and find someone had been watching The Pirate Movie. Can’t a guy have a guilty pleasure in private?

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I also found myself a finalist in Diesel’s latest caption contest. There are some great lines that his readers came up with which are well worth a click over there. And while there, you should exercise your right to vote. You don’t have to vote for mine; however, if you chose unwisely, I will cause all your babies to grow up to be cowboys.

…not that there is anything wrong with that.

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I bought Mandy Moore’s new album, Wild Hope. Stop laughing! I mean it! Put down the pitchforks and torches and let me explain! My favorite band of last year co-wrote five of the songs with her. Yes, The Weepies wrote and performed on the new album. No, I’m not convinced completely that she succeeds in vying for a more mature audience (Lori McKenna is all over the album, too), but the album is a very nice folk/pop collection and I’m *gulp* enjoying it.

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And now the booby stories.

My friend, Lyn, who is a great mother and has been in a 10-year relationship with a woman named Karen, told me yesterday what she got for Mother’s Day — a tummy tuck and a boob job. No, I haven’t seen her yet to get a good feel for them. Yes, she’ll let me feel them. I’m gay and harmless and I only say that to make my straight male friends jealous.

And finally, I have to share one of the many things my mom said while she was visiting last month. The subject of boobies came up and she described hers as follows:

Like two fried eggs nailed to the wall

Oh, how I laughed.

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Listening to: “Extraordinary” - Mandy Moore

I’m close to the home stretch! Two days of both jobs, an improv performance for a nurses’ convention in the IMAX theater of the Denver Museum Of Nature & Science (totally geeked-out about that one) and prep for Monday’s Monkey show and I’m scott-free (except for reading Scott-O-Rama, of course) for an entire week! SQUEAL! I’m checking out from humanity for a while except for blogging — that doesn’t include human contact. Well, except for a week from Friday when I’ve been told I have to spend the entire day with Cameron watching The Venture Bros. Season 2 on DVD. Oh! Twist my arm. And now for some random crap.

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Heard this one from a local college professor who was interpreting for the deaf in a colleague’s classroom. The other teacher asked this of her class: What’s the first thing you know? Answer at the end of this post. BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

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Ahem. Okay, here’s another question: where is the most prominent place that is both homophobic and homo erotic at the same time? The men’s locker room.

Thank you! I’ll be performing in your blog’s comment section soon!

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I recently was very nice to a customer at the video store. I know! Well, I cut his late fees in half and the following conversation occurred:

Him: Thank you! That was so sweet of you! Can I get you a coffee from next door to thank you?

Me: No, thank you though. I’ve had a cup of coffee and a Pepsi so far this morning, but I appreciate it.

Him: Are you sure? I’m not hitting on you or anything. [Editor's Note: RED FLAG!]

Me: I understand and, really, I’m fine. Thank you. Your total is $XX.XX.

Him: Well, would you like to go get dinner sometime?

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Two different things overheard:

1. I ain’t dating you, so I ain’t gotta listen to you.

2. It’s your reality. I’m only living in it.

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If I were the lead singer of a band instead of the normal count-up (”1-2-3!”) to the big, fat beat being dropped like it’s fresh out of the microwave, I’d go, “Ready! Aim! Fire!”. I would be soooo cool. Believe it!

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I watched “The Colbert Report” yesterday when Stephen had the editor and publisher of The Nation magazine on. When the media’s handling of the current war on Iraq came up, Katrina Vanden Heuvel (say that three times quickly), said this about the magazine, “We kept our heads while too much of the media gave head.” I laughed so hard I subscribed.

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Speaking of laughing, nothing makes me laugh harder when walking through the upscale (read: pompous, uncaring and elitist) Denver shopping center in Cherry Creek than seeing gray-haired older woman walking around with a large, yellow bag from Forever 21.

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What’s the first thing you know? Old Jed’s a millionaire.

Nancy said she completely lost it while signing and, when she noticed all the blank stares from the students, she had to leave the room to compose herself.

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Listening to: “Automatic (Digital Dog Mix)” - Ultra Naté (Thanks, Scott, for pointing out this little jem of a dance/pop remake)

While watching some Tivo’ed [adult swim] the other night, I caught a commercial for the new film version of Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Cartoon Network was claiming they were going to show the entire movie this Sunday night at 10. At first I thought, “Why?” and they answered me, “Because we’re ****ing crazy!” I mean, why not? Steven Soderbergh did it with Bubble by releasing it on DVD and in theaters at the same time. Then I realized what Sunday is…

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You know how in Trivial Pursuit if the card asks for a number of things, you can generally say “three” and it will be correct? If there were a Beck Lyrical Pursuit game, you could guess “garbageman trees” and you’d probably be right.

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Yesterday, Edurado (my iPod for you newbies) played “Suspicious Minds” by Elvis Presley when I realized that the song is not about the type of love one would think — it’s about fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Take a gander at the lyrics with the real meaning in parentheses.

We’re caught in a trap
(You’re making me fat)
I can’t walk out
(Can’t see my feet)
Because I love you too much, baby
(Because I eat you too much, baby)

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Imagine Stephen King’s Carrie being recast as an Orthodox Jewish Princess. Cut to prom night.

CARRIE: Oy! The schlemazel! You guys are such nudnicks and I’m such a schlemele! Look! You’ve got pig’s blood all over me. I’m treyf now. All you schmucks stay right here and I’ll be back to kill you later. I’ve got to go bury myself for three days.

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Oh my gawd! There is, like, a tropical storm off that Crocodile Hunter’s country that is totally named, like, Becky!

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The other night at the video store, we had the three most obnoxious regular customers come in — at the same time. All three think they are hiLARious. You know — THOSE kind. Somehow they all get into a conversation with each other right in front of the counter. All three of them have their volume set to 11. All three are trying to out-funny each other. I have a new weapon on terror. Send those three to different cells and let loose the hounds of annoy!

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I’m ready to predict who is going to win the Democratic and Republican nomination for President of the United States of America. The candidate who digs themselves into the shallowest hole.

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I’ve been seeing this everywhere so I thought I’d share mine. Here is my VisualDNA.

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Listening to: Leezie Lindsay - Eddi Reader

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UPDATE: Cartoon Network really is showing the Aqua Teen movie, but in a tiny, tiny screen in the lower left-hand corner of the screen while Futurama plays. That’s a good April Fool’s. You actually do it, but not in a way expected. Fun!

My inbox found itself with a surprise last week when it was filled with the first Roger Ebert review since he had surgery. Of course you’re wondering what film ended up as his first since being sick, aren’t you? Black Snake Moan — he gave it three stars saying it “the oddest, most peculiar movie I’ve seen about sex and race and redemption in the Deep South.” I think he just created a new genre. He also compared it to Road House. I guess that makes Black Snake Moan Ebert’s new regular Saturday night thing?

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I saw a great bumper sticker recently:

God Bless The Entire World. No Exceptions.

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Cameron and I were in the post office recently when he noticed a woman who had poured herself into a pair of designer jeans. With the amount of booty she had, I’m surprised that she didn’t knock over the lobby stantions on her way out. Cameron said it wasn’t a good look for her, but I formed a different and new philosophy: if you can actually get your ass in that small amount of denim, then you have earned the right to go out in public wearing it.

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Oooo, that just made me think of a new tagline for the blog:

The Web Pen. Defending your right to tog your assets in denim.

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Overhead conversation:

Person 1: Would you do him?
Person 2: Only if he left right afterwards.

Listening to: Monochrome - Lush