What the hell happened? Have I been asleep since 1990? A week ago, Eric, my co-worker, asked me if I knew who was in the Top 5 of the most #1 songs in the rock era. Always up for a music challenge I started to guess. He told me there was technically six artists on the list. I got Madonna, Elvis, Michael Jackson and The Beatles off the bat. I finally got the Supremes, but couldn’t come up with the artist was tied with Elvis at #2. To both of our shock, it was Mariah Carrey (he had heard it on satellite radio that morning). “Seventeen number one songs?” I say incredulously. “Did she have to screw every teen in America to achieve that?”

I knew that she had a new album coming out so was curious to see how the first single was doing. It was sitting around 55 and I thought that her time had passed. What I didn’t know was that the single wasn’t available digitally yet. Yesterday in my Billboard RSS feed, I read that Elvis had been unseated but not one, but TWO women this week. Mariah’s “Touch My Body” bolted to number one putting her three number ones away from beating The Beatles. The other woman to usurp the King’s throne was Madonna. Her new single with Justin Timberlake and Timbaland — “4 Minutes” — debuted in the Top 10, which makes her the Queen of Top 10 singles (Madonna 37, Elvis 36). Maybe it is time for a woman President. You go, girls!

But really… when did Marah have all those number ones? Geratol, anyone?


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Speaking of women, I’m reading this great book called Who Are You People? about finding a fanatical passion like collecting Barbies or ice fishing. It’s about people who have found one single hobby that completely consumes them. Shari Caudron is a Denver writer who I will get to meet at a party this Saturday (granted that I’m awake from being put under for tests that morning) and can’t wait to gush all over her. The book is basically her search for understanding of those who have only one interest instead of a multitude say like a certain ADHD-riddled blogger named Howard. Let’s just say I understand where she is coming from.

I’m nearing the half-way point of the book and will probably go into more detail about it later, but had to share a quote from the book that is an inspired, insightful revelation about human nature.

“…you really don’t know a person until you know what zany combination of interests they possess.” [p.84]

I’m blinded by the truth of this. Thankfully, I took typing lessons so I don’t need to actually see the keyboard.


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One more quote to share. I received a get well card from customers at the video store that has a quote from Ogden Nash:

There is not a shred of evidence that life is serious.

It’s my new religion.

Listening to: “Shut The Sun Out” - Donna Lewis

The post I was working on hasn’t coalesced into the shimmering veil of comedy that I thought yet so you get a random sampling of my brain instead. Besides who would want to try and follow-up the genius of Scott’s post from yesterday — obviously not me. Here are a few things that spilled forth from the seventh circle of my mouth:

• There is one more Chicken Soup book that would be interesting to see on the market: Chicken Soup for the Bondage Soul. The author would have finished it, but he keeps finding himself tied up. **RIM SHOT**
• QUOTE: “I’m a star that needs to be made.” Yes, there is an easy sexual innuendo in there.
• DEEP THOUGHT: No film that has the world ‘final’ in its title should ever have a sequel.
• OVERHEARD: “I think your reality checks are bouncing.”
• The human reaction that I most love to hate? “I can’t have everything, so I don’t want anything.” It happens all the time at the video store with reservations — especially the porn. One of the three movies a customer has asked for doesn’t show up so they don’t rent anything. These are the same people who would refuse to step foot on the playground when they couldn’t go down the slide first at recess. Guess what? It’s just a porn. They are all the same. Here let me spoil the plot for you by writing a porn script in five minutes:
  

  Sixteen Men Cum On My Chest: Yo ‘Ho ‘Ho, Won’t You Bottle My Bum

  SCENE ONE
  Model 1: Oh, no. My car has broken down.
  Model 2: I’m a mechanic. Why don’t you cum back to my shop?
  1. Kiss. Kiss.
  2. Suck. Suck.
  3. Fuck. Fuck.
  4. Cum. Cum.

  SCENE TWO
  Model 1: Oh, no. I’ve dropped all my laundry on the ground.
  Model 2: I have a laundry room. Why don’t you cum back to my place and you can stick coins in my slot?
  (Repeat 1 - 4)

  SCENE THREE
  Model 1: Oh, no. I’ve been abducted by pirates and am being forced to be the cabin boy.
  Model 2: I’m the Cap’n. Why don’t you report to my quarters?
  (Repeat 1 - 4)

  SCENE FOUR
  Model 1: Oh, no. I’ve been wrongly accused of a crime and have been incarcerated in prison.
  Model 2: I’m your cellmate. Why don’t you allow me to escort you to the showers for the obligatory final gang bang scene with your other ‘inmates’?
  (Repeat 1 - 4, one to four times)

  There. Now there is no need to get upset. Just picked another damn video.

Your video is always ready to be inserted at humor-blogs.com.

Listening to: “If Not For You” - George Harrison

I got a speeding ticket in the mail Saturday — one of those photo ones. I look all cute with the sun roof open and all the cartoon blur lines surrounding the car. The offense took place on 9/11 around 3:30. I couldn’t figure out why I was driving during work hours when Cameron reminded me that was the day he got out of the hospital. That’s right, I was speeding to get my man so he wouldn’t have to walk or take the bus in his painful condition.

• VW Jetta: $20,000
• CD to listen to on drive: $13
• Gas to get to hospital: $2
• Making sure someone you love gets home safely: priceless $80

Is anyone else playing Pepsi’s Call Your Play contest? I’m a big Pepsi drinker anyway, so I’ve been using codes to try and win an XBox 360. You simply enter the code under the cap and pick your prize. Then some clip from the video game Madden ‘08 starts and ‘determines’ whether you win or not. In the meantime, Reggie Bush is standing on the side tossing his football (not a euphemism). His footage is always the same so you can understand when I tell you that I’m sick to death of watching him pick an eye booger and wipe it on his shorts. Try it yourself and see.

Deborah Harry (of Blondie fan. Yes, her name isn’t Blondie.) released a new solo album on Tuesday called Necessary Evil. She’s 62. Imagine the shock of hearing her sing “You gotta lick it like you love it” on the song “Down And Dirty”. She’s a slutty little GILF.

I got the City and County of Denver Election booklet in the mail. There are nine issues on a minor election-year ballot ranging from tax increa… zzzzzzzzzzz…

I haven’t seen Next starring Nicolas Cage so I’ve had a hard time describing it to customers at the video store. I settled on this: “It’s about a guy who can see into the future and tries to use his power to stop Armageddon. Now if it were about him using his powers to stop the making of the movie Armageddon, THEN I would watch it.”

Humor-blogs.com wouldn’t intentionally start Armageddon, but they would sneak into a theater to see it.

Listening to: Harden My Heart - Quarterflash

New Animated Show
Cartoon Network’s [adult swim] started a new show last Sunday night/Monday morning called “Lucy, Daughter Of The Devil” they had showcased back in 2005. It reminds me of “Home Movies” simply because of the delivery of the dialogue — two characters are voiced by stars of “HM”, and it was created by one of the co-developers of “HM”. All the characters look like a cross between logo people and Weebles, which is funny in itself.

The premise — of this episode at least — is that there are some Catholics looking for the Antichrist who happens to be Lucy. Satan has started a chain of Mexican restaurant/sport bars to take over the world. Jesus is back as DJ Jesus and is an up-and-coming music star. The climax of the first show was Satan and DJ Jesus doing a karaoke duet of Pat Benatar’s “Shadows Of The Night”.

Yeah, I so made a Tivo Season Pass for the show.

Those Aren’t Wingdings In My Mouth
Have you tried Chocolate Chex yet? So delicious. It’s like having a chocorgasm in your mouth. No, from the chocolate. You guys have the dirtiest minds.

It’s the mix of Corn Chex (my favorite) with chocolate-covered Rice Chex. Wow, I was bowled over with flavor. And if you’re still reading after that pun, it really is the best new cereal I’ve had in many years. The ‘touch of cocoa’ is more of a groping of chocolate. Thankfully, it’s not a “making out with tongues in a drunken stupor while annoying everyone trying to dance around you in the club” of chocolate. In other words, it is the perfect blend of flavor with which you will want to use your tongue.

And you won’t even need vodka.

Or techno.

They Knew Exactly What They Were Doing
Ms. Clizbiz emailed this Denver Post headline to several of her friends. It speaks for itself.

“Colorado Woman Embraces Beavers” (link)

Dog-Gone Happy
In a world that is bitching about a silly video awards ceremony (no one will remember the 2007 VMA’s in two months), accusing Britney Spears of being fat (she wasn’t and if you think she was, you need to see this or look in a mirror and make sure you are comfortable with your own body before judging others), and still buying the albums of a spoiled, hissy-fit throwing, celebrity-meltdown-in-the-making hip-hop star (Kanye, your album is selling better than 50 Cent’s thus far so stop reaching for the pacifier), here is a story of some small hope that is not only heroic, but involves a doggie.

GRAND HAVEN, Michigan (AP) — A surfer rode a wave on his stomach to rescue a struggling dog that had been swept off a pier and into Lake Michigan.

Matt Smolenski, 25, said he grabbed the pooch’s collar just as the exhausted, black-and-brown mixed breed stopped dog-paddling on Tuesday.

“He put the dog up on his surfboard, and the dog rode the surfboard in to shore,” said Royce Rodgers, an off-duty Muskegon Heights police officer who witnessed the rescue.

As the dog crouched on the board, Smolenski held on from the water, fighting large waves and a strong current all the way to shore.

Feel better now about things you can’t control? Good. You’re welcome. Now turn off the television and go have a fat-free cookie and some herbal tea.*

*Line totally stolen from Mateo.

You can read more bitching on bitching over at humor-blogs.com.

Listening to: “222″ - Paul McCartney