I’m not saying I murdered and then ate Cameron’s lemon meringue pie, but if I did eat it, this is how it would have happened. After dinner, naps would have started and during the new "Foster’s Home For Imaginary Friends" movie special, Cameron would have taken a knife and…  I can’t go any further.  No my book publisher won’t let me go into any more detail right now; however, I can tell you that I just finished taping a tell-all for LOGO.

Oh, God! Look at all the lemon! It’s lemoning to death! Somebody help it! Get a tourniquet and some wax paper! Why? WHY? What is our world coming to? Think about the children! Oh, someone did. That’s why there is a Spongebob Squarepants DVD in the picture.

Uh, anyone got a straw?

Ironically, there is a lemon turkey in the pie. Do you see it? No, total weirdness. I only noticed it when I was looking at the draft post.

Listening to: No Man’s Land - Sufjan Stevens

I’m actually starting to feel guilty for not keeping the blog more up-to-date, but with the blog move and filing the posts plus work is currently kicking my derriere, I’ve had very little time to actually write. So I thought I would introduce you to a piece that is hidden on the website that not many may have read.

Every day (Internet connection willing) I send out a comic strip to my friends and those signed up on the list so they can have a little something in their inbox when they wake up or get to work. Surprisingly, many people actually appreciate a quck smile before they start their day, so I’ve kept it up for, geez, I think 5 or 6 years. At one point a couple of years ago, I had a friend ask me what the hell it was all about, so I wrote a very corporate-sounding introduction for the comic service, which I thought ended up being pretty funny.

Here it is in its full glory without having to find the link in the signup window to actually read it. Click on the link to the left labeled “Comic Of The Day” to see the page; otherwise enjoy this propaganda.

The Comic Of The Day Story

Do you like such daily comic strips as FoxTrot, Rhymes With Orange and Calvin & Hobbes? Then the people at TheWebPen.net have a deal for you. Every day hundreds of our employees go through a large list of comic strips — including some web comics you may not have heard of — and test them for content, laughability and an overall sense of just feelin’ good. Then once a day, they are sent to your email inbox (excluding our personal holidays).

You see, we here at TheWebPen.net take our comics seriously. Sounds funny, huh? Well, it’s not. We take each and every comic and put it through a rigorous double test. We read it when it is first printed and, if it makes us laugh, we store it in our holding folder until it is time for that comic to be released. Upon its release date, we read it again and, if it makes us laugh a second time, we lovingly wrap it within an email and it is sent to you to be enjoyed over and over again. (Pending legal action, we are no longer allowed to discuss what happens to comics that don’t make us laugh a second time)

These comics of the day include a full-color (well, most of the time) Sunday strip. You will never have to get up late on Sunday morning for that embarrassing excursion into the front yard wearing nothing but your bathrobe and a ‘head pressed up against the headboard’ hairdo to get the paper again. Besides, that Sunday paper is just too darn heavy anyway.

And that’s not all! With your comic of the day, you’ll read dedications to persons that you don’t even know. And maybe one day (if you’re lucky) you’ll get a comic dedicated to you! Also included in the email are updates for the boss’s pet project, Monkey’s Uncle Comedy Improv AND what song he is listening to when he makes the final decision and hits the send button, so you, YOU, can have a giggle, chortle, guffaw or just a smile.

How can you NOT be interested now? Why not just sign up for the Comic Of The Day list? It’s so easy. Just enter your email and hit subscribe. It will give you the sense of satisfaction that the WB Network envies and the Rolling Stones lament.

TheWebPen.net and the Comic Of The Day. Proudly making laugh lines on everyone’s face for over 5 years! Offer not valid to cranks. Some settling may occur.

Listening to: Damaged By Love - Tom Petty

Forbes published this AP story on Oprah and Monkey’s Uncle decided to publish this press release:

Mateo and his friend Howard want to be clear: they’re not gay.

In today’s blog posting on The Monkey Blog, Monkey’s Uncle’s blog, the highly skilled improvisational player explains that some people misunderstand his close friendship with Howard.

"I understand why people think we’re gay," he says. "There isn’t a definition in our culture for this kind of bond between men. So I get why people have to label it — how can you be this close without it being sexual?"

In a long article, Mateo, ("don’t you even fucking ask my age, bitch"), and Howard converse about their 7 years of friendship and "four-times-a-day phone calls." Howard, who hosted Planting Penguins just last Monday, is a player in Monkey’s Uncle.

The two friends say they would have no problem telling the public if they were in a sexual relationship.

"The truth is, if we were gay, we would tell you, because there’s nothing wrong with being gay," says Howard. "Plus, if we were gay, then Mateo’s long-time male ‘partner’ would be super pissed."

Says Mateo: "Something about this relationship feels otherworldly to me, like it was designed by a high-powered fashion guru with hands that are just a little too big to be completely enjoyed. Whatever this friendship is, it’s been like a fun ride on something that takes ‘AA’ batteries."

This is a parody of an Associated Press article that consisted of material that isn’t supposed to be rewritten. So sorry.

Listening to: Private Storm - Sam Phillips

Fan dull spark of idea into blog entry to continue consecutive daily postings thus ensuring increased readership. Start with non-witty opening statement, e.g. "It’s me again", "…so I walked into a tree". Then vague segue into fat of story. Sprinkle with expletives to increase hits.

Before fat, introduce back story to set-up ‘punch line’. Fill with semi-interesting anecdotes to keep reader from being completely bored and moving on to the next blog. Try ham-fisted transition into story. Sprinkle with expletives to increase hits.

Before story, cue total best friend and tell something funny about them that has nothing to do with story. Include compliments to make sure ‘best’ friend doesn’t sue. Throw in Southern platitude to absolve you of all guilt, i.e. "…bless his/her heart". Sprinkle with expletives to increase hits.

Tell story leading up to pay off. Include all details down to color, style and make of tile upon which ‘friend’ has slipped and fallen on his/her body part du jour. Sprinkle expletives in the dialogue only to make friend sound as uncultured as possible to endear friend to readers with an IQ of 90 or less.

Type pay off in its own paragraph to make sure punch line is not missed as if you are waving your arms and screaming, "Look! This is the funny part! Don’t miss it! Can you believe he/she said this! Did you miss it? Go back and read it again! It’s so funny!"

Continue with other details of events to make story longer than readers’ patience. Include one or more acronyms here to let everyone know you are laughing, too, e.g. "LOL", "OMG", "FOOCAACRAOTFBYASASB". Repeat tomorrow.

Listening to: Open Your Heart - Ladytron