LAUREL, Maryland (WPBNews) — After a 3-and-a-half year mission to Mercury, NASA’s MESSENGER spacecraft has begun to beam back pictures of the mysterious planet. Once thought to be like our own Moon, MESSENGER is changing scientists perceptions of not only the planet, but of the universe and creation itself.
Those who have studied Mercury never expected there to be cliffs running across the planet for hundreds of miles nor did they expect the planet’s magnetic-field to be so rich in sodium. Of the 1,200 photos MESSENGER sent back, none were more shocking than the one that at first appeared to be oddly-shaped crater. On closer inspection; however, the crater turned into a photo that has completely changed the views of scientist across the world.
“At first, I thought it was some error in transmission,” says David Chapman, co-investigator of MESSENGER’s Science Team, “then I realized I had it upside down. I shouted, ‘Holy mutha-f*ckin’ nebula turds in space!’ which, of course, made all those Nobel-greedy b*tches I work with come running. Turns out it wasn’t a crater. It was a bellybutton.”
‘The Bellybutton’ has some scientists crying,
“Who has medical scissors that big?”
This statement shocked the scientific community down to their embryonic core and has brought into sharp contrast the true meaning of the Big Bang theory. Chapman thinks the explosion was more like an expulsion from what some are calling the Cosmic Womb.
The University of California, Berkeley Professor Donk “Kaimana” Richards says he has seen what he is dubbing the Universal Mother. “Yeah,” he explains giggling uncontrollably, “during Biology 420 - History of Experimental Herbs. Except one cannot, like, gaze upon her without instantly orgasming after which I, like, nap and let the students clean up. Nah-ha-ha-ha-ha.” He describes this Universal Mother as a “hot babe” who could “totally give birth to an entire social system”. According to Richards this quite fertile cosmic being has the hair of the remains of an exploded sun, pitch dark skin shimmering in galaxies and a vagina that holds the entire universe.
“And she probably farts antimatter?” asks skeptical fellow scientist, Ronald K.W. Sumner of Purdue University. “This seems highly suspect. Where is the proof? Where is the placenta? Are they saying every time we go swimming or drink, it’s birth water left over from when She spewed forth our solar system? And what the hell is with the black holes then?”
“Oh, man,” Professor Richards responds, “you don’t even, like, want to go there.”
Listening to: “The New Pollution” - Beck
