Paris Hilton is back in jail. A move that we everyday people hope will send a message that celebrity status does not equal diplomatic status. But I’m not writing this overly earnest post about Paris herself. I’m here to plead with comedians and humor writers everywhere to get off your current, deadly, one-track comedic hump.

I, as a professional comedian, know the hardship of pleasuring an audience, but we mustn’t lower ourselves to our knees for the likes of Paris anymore. We must rise up and move beyond the sexual nature of our attempts to cause mirth. We must take our time and not prematurely shot off our mouths for a tawdry joke much like a … well, a… I can’t think of an analogy for it right now, but I’m sure something will come to me. Sure, she’ll be easy to attack with an “in and out and in and out and in and out” of jail joke, but I’m implore you, my fellow funny people, to not. Paris has been done. A lot. Her story has been ridden until it lied grasping, sweating and craving a cigarette.

Let us join together in an orgy of comedic fellowship to bring together a new explosion of laughter — one that causes its intended audience to vibrate their ribs with pleasure. We must come together and dig deeper into the hole of Paris’ comedy gold mine. We must find something that will stimulate our audiences’ minds and make them fantasize about how much a tender, thoughtful joke can make them scream for more. We must mentally stroke ourselves to plumb the inner depths of the funny. We must try new positions of mentation. We must play with our articulation toys in order to straddle the fine line of sticky Paris humor. In other words, we must think outside her box.

In the end, we must lubricate our orifices with high-minded standards, so our Johns will roll over to the stage and plead for further delectation many times during the night.

Please take heed you who would make us laugh, especially those of you at Humor-Blogs.com. I wouldn’t want our clique to fall prey to such lower standards.

Jami at Not THAT Different had a great post for the 4th anniversary of Bush’s infamous air craft carrier speech announcing that all major combat had ended. She quoted some interesting statistics:

…between 2005 and 2006, terrorism incidents worldwide increased from 11,153 to 14,338, deaths from terrorism increased from 14,618 to 20,498 and injuries increased from 24,761 to 38,191. The good news was that kidnappings were down: from 34,838 to only 15,854.

As you can see, no one bothers with kidnapping anymore. In the ever annoying (Oh! Don’t forget deadly!) power struggles of the world, kidnapping is not only failing to get a group’s message of self-righteousness across, it’s losing its power to keep the general populace properly and endlessly filled with mind-controlling fear.

We here at The Web Pen (and by ‘we’, I mean ‘me’) have done some in-depth research (and by ‘research’, I mean ‘I’m making this stuff up’) and discovered several reasons why kidnapping is just not as popular as it once was.

The plain and simple fact is that kidnapping is just a hassle anymore:

Research
You have to watch your target for at least a week — preferably a month — to learn their habits before you can even begin to think about moving to the planning phase and by that time some other hipper cell may have come up with something even better to teach you non-believers a lesson.

Planning
Now that you know your target’s whereabouts at any given moment you can finally devise an integrate plan. The problem is you can’t just make it simple anymore or you won’t make the news. It has to be flashy and spectacular like a Vegas act, unfortunately wearing flashing neon and sequins as your uniform is as much a danger to you as it is to your target.

Action
Now you have to deal with the capture. You better be working out because most people won’t go quietly. In fact, many are taking self-defense classes and will try their Captain Kirk Space Judo on you and it’s going to hurt — like a bitch. Then there is all the screaming and pleading for help, but worst of all is the disapproving looks from the by-standers that you will have to endure. I hope your self-esteem is high that day.

Negotiations
You have them. You’re covered in bandages and Bactine, but you have them. Now you have to let someone know. Hopefully, you have your press releases written. Otherwise, you’ll have to make phone calls to the press and to the family. If you’re smart, you will have been reading Negotiations For Dummies because the first thing out of their mouths is going to be, “We don’t negotiation with kidnappers.” Then you’re going to have to make death threats and they are going to say they don’t believe you and then you are going to have to cut off an ear or a finger to mail it to them. It’s just going to turn all high school on you causing you to consider dumping them in some landfill; however, that will require even MORE planning especially if you want to pin it on some judge’s sons.

Caring
That’s right, you have to water and feed the damn thing. Take it out for poopies. Make sure it’s leashed securely. All this care and attention instead of just killing them with no remorse and they STILL whine and complain about the service. You’d think they were in a 2-star motel or something. And then you have to go and stick a gun to their head to make them say that they totally agree with you and that their native country / religion / ethic background is completely wrong and just stupid — even after you let them have a bath by hosing them down in ice, cold water. What ingrates! It’s at this point you realize you should have just made a devastating bomb to strap it to a depressed zealot to kill arbitrarily and en masse, but those old habits are just so hard to break.

So you can see why kidnapping numbers have dropped so drastically and the act has become the leg warmers, the large collar or the Pia Zadora of terrorist fashion. Indeed, it is hard out here for a terrorist.

This Bella Sara just goes too far! I’m sorry, girls, but trading cards are for the boys. They should be full of evil creatures with destructive powers out to destroy the world of good. In our imagination only, of course. Or be printed with our sports heroes. Or our animation heroes. Or, hell, even big construction machinery for pete’s sake.

But not. A stable. Of horses.

No, no, no, no, no! It’s a boy’s realm of mystic powers and hero worship. No girls allowed! Don’t argue with me. And for the last time, I’m playing with action figures — not dolls.

What exactly is Bella Sara? From their website:

Bella Sara is an imaginative, joyful world of horses, where every girl is special and uniquely beautiful!

“Mommy, Mommy! I’m special and uniquely beautiful. The Internet said it so it has to be true!”

“Yes, honey, and when you find out differently in the real world, just remember that Mommy always thought you were beautiful. Now go play with your horses. Mommy needs a drink before she finishes cleaning the trailer.”

More from the Bella Sara site:

Horse cards can be collected, traded with friends and used to play fun card games.

But what are their hit points? Do they have special powers that can be combined with other cards to create a fusion horse? How do I make the horses in my stable fight the horses in that little skank-next-door Susie’s stable? Won’t my horses have little funny sayings on them like: “Hey, baby, I’m hung like me”, “Get me some oats and the remote, woman!” or “Nag. Nag. Nag.”

And this is the part that killed me:

Each horse has a positive message for you to discover.

Here are some I would like to see:

“Having no neck just means that you can have a career in professional football!”

“No, really. Chartreuse looks good on you! You can trust me! I’m your friend and not some marketing ploy to make money off little girls’ insecurities! Now, look. You still owe me for the last packet of cards. The first was free, but baby has to pay for the candy now.”

Ahhh, what would the world be without all its distractions. Boring. And probably more productive with a higher self-esteem.

Hear the audio version of this post.

Listening to: Dear John - Aimee Mann

I currently have a lovely, little sinus migraine and usually do something musical for Fridays, but I’m feeling the need to crawl back into bed. Instead you get the end of a toilet paper commercial I wrote at work one day. Enjoy!

Generic Person #1: Wipe® not only cleans with its patented moistness and quilted grooves, it now deodorizes with a fresh new scent.

Generic Person #2: Fresh new scent? That’s amazing!

Generic Person #1: Yes! In fact, my ass has never smelt better! Care to take a whiff?

[Camera pans to GP#1 face and sparkle appears in their teeth when they smile with a triangle sound effect]

The glitter sparkle and triangle noise when smiling is how all my commercials would end. It makes me giggle.

Listening to: Heretics - Andrew Bird