As of this morning the US Census Bureau estimates that the US just passed 300 million people becoming the third country in the world to accomplish this feat. Fuck yeah! Go America! Whooo! Alriiight! Now if you’ll excuse me…. I’m trying to get through… Excuse… Hey! Your elbow is in my ribs. Thank you. Excuse me. Pardon… Hey, bitch! Watch it with that cigarette. You almost burned me! Okay, it’s cool…. Excuse me. Trying to get to work. Pardon. HEY! PREGNANT LADY COMING THROUGH! Excuse me! Going to be late for work. Thanks for caring. Damn, where did all these people come from?
Fine, I’ll just stand here and tell everyone about my idea for Grandma Island.
…where’d everyone go…
I love my alone time. There isn’t much available when you have two jobs and a comedy group on your schedule. Add dating in there and you don’t have much left, which led me to the idea of an island where you can be alone yet have someone caring stop by, cook some food and see if you are doing okay. Someone like — a grandma!
She doesn’t have to be a real grandma. Preferably someone who wanted to be, but never had the chance.
Imagine a mostly deserted island with huts 2 - 3 miles away from each other each with its own assigned grandma. Depending on your needs, you can have grandma stop by 1 - 3 times a day to fix you a home-cooked meal, straighten up a bit and feign concern about your well being. Yes, they’ll have to be good actors. Then they leave you alone. That’s it.
The rest of the time is yours. There will be, of course, satellite Internet and phone service for your tech geeks and bloggers, plus a small library of books and videos that grandma can bring on her next visit. Just put your order in for them. Yes, there will be emergency vehicles there and a while to communicate with base via a old rotary-dial phone on a lace doily. C’mon! It’s grandma island!
Ahhh… sweet isolation. And a home cooked meal! Of course, only the rich can do it and, frankly, do they need any more pampering? At least, it’ll be safer than, say, Jurassic Park.
Listening to: (I Love It When You) Call Me Names - Joan Armatrading
