Remember when I said that I was looking at getting cancer as a new friend to poke fun at? Here’s where I start. The following are some sticker ideas I’ve had since being diagnosed because that’s how I deal with things.

The first one came to me when on my first day driving. I was still in some pain from the surgery and was taking it easy since my car’s a manual. As cars zipped past me in their hurried, self-centered way, I realized that I wish I had a sticker on the car that said:

I can drive as slowly as I want. I have cancer.

While at work, there was a client who was complaining about her job loudly which brought this one to light:

Shut. Up. Your voice is hurting my cancer.

Since my little health situation has come to light, more and more people are coming out of the cancer closet. People are confessing to me their cancer survival stories now that I’m in their exclusive cult, so I thought we should all have a sticker that says:

Cancer is the new black.

And then there is my personal favorite because I think I’m all witty and whatnot:

When life gives you lymphoma, make lymphonade!

Most don’t think that one is funny, but I find it hilarious. Have any you can add? I’m a firm believer in laughter being the best medicine, so don’t hold back. Andy already gave me some in the comments of another post. Join in!

Listening to: “Kukuxumusu” by Electric Six

The Nook. It sounds like the gayest part of the house — and it probably is. Once in the middle of a conversation about words like ‘nook’, I made some bad joke about Miss Scarlet with the candle stick in the Nook and realized that there needed to be a gay version of the popular board game Clue (or Cluedo outside North America). I’d like to call it: Clue’mo - The Drag Queen Edition.

The setup is easy. It seems that Mr. Haard Boddy has been murdered and the suspects are all old tricks of his. There are also six murder weapons and nine rooms to investigate. Don’t worry, nothing will happen to you here. Sex and murder are consensual in the Haard Boddy Mansion.

Let us first meet the characters. You must deduce which of this bitchy queens did it:

• Sara Bellum - The librarian Boddy checked out while checking out.
• Ellie Phont - Boddy thought he’d try the bigger side of life.
• Polly Urathane - So fake you can see right through her. Also suffocating and clingy.
• Siggy Rette - Turns out he is a Drag King. Boddy decided to go ahead and pet the pussy. The were both drunk.
• Rhoda Dendrum - The most feminine of the lot here. Uses why too much perfume, but has a rather large stamen.
• Helena Handbasket - There is nothing like a drag queen scorned and Helena is the queen of all drama.

Ahh, but where? The mansion has been made love to by a fabulous interior decorator and the act of passion could have been done in any of these tastefully designed indoor or outdoor rooms:

• Nook - A small area with large spots of naughty.
• Dungeon - Surprisingly, Boddy rarely used it.
• Walk-in Closet - And still not enough room.
• Cabana - No, the hired boy ran off with Boddy’s business partner after the murder. You’ll have to take care of yourself if you know what I mean.
• Foyer - The place to truly open yourself up and greet your guests. You do not want to use a UV evidence light in here.
• Solarium - Where he would trim the bushes.
• Wine Cellar - The room where Boddy first popped his cork when he moved in.
• Lanai - Feeling like a Southern belle? This is the perfect place to sip your mint julep.
• Salon - Yes, Boddy was that rich. And his hair looked fabulous!

And finally this heinous crime was caused by something terrible, ghastly yet simply scrumptious:

• Shoes - expensive, but effective.
• Walk Of Shame - Boddy was caught dead wearing the same outfit two days in a row.
• Power Tool - Ciggy’s favorite weapon.
• Disdain - so slow and painful, so the most delicious of murder weapons.
• Internet Celebrity Stalker - the hip and trendy way to die.
• Grudge Fuck - going out with a bang was never so fun.

And there you have it. The rest of the game is played the same as the version we’ve all lost patience with as adults. It may not be the perfect way to live out your fantasy to ‘doing in’ that person who hurt you real bad, but it’s a fun substitute. Plus you can’t go to jail for wishing someone dead.

Yet.

Special thanks to Cameron and Mateo & Mark for their help in coming up with extra, gay-sounding rooms and Hayes for the rainbow Clue picture.

Clue may not have been updated in decades but Humor-Blogs.com was this weekend.

Listening to: “There’s No Home For You Here” - The White Stripes

The brain, she is fried from trying to get this show together tonight, but I’ve been on a blog roll (pun intended) all week and didn’t want ruin it by being tired. That’s for wimps. Instead, I’ll leave you with a move idea. Hmm, it’s really just one line for the remake, but it’s the penultimate one. Imagine Gone With The Wind updated and placed in an urban setting with a meth lab at stake. As the female lead begs her man to give up his rap career and be a daddy to his babies, he turns on her before he leaves and says:

Shit, girl. I don’t give a fuck!

Maybe putting one of the caps into her posterior (know wha’ I sayin’?) before lighting up his crack pipe on his way out.

Or not. Like I said, I’m tired. Have a great Labor Day (or outside the U.S. Regular Old) Weekend everyone!

When Animals Improv II - tonight and tomorrow night at the Avenue Theater.

Listening to: “Disarm” - Smashing Pumpkins

Cameron and I came up with a new drag name.

Wednesday, we saw a double feature of Transformers and Ratatouille and, afterwards, we stopped by his place to pick up the steaks that I had requested for grilling. I don’t eat much beef, but was craving a steak. He had them marinating in wine, red & white pepper, onion and garlic all night. Yes, they were melt-in-your-mouth delicious. He has an enormous cooking talent. My roommate, Clayton, joined us since we wanted to make sure he had a nice, relaxing Fourth after dealing with the death of his partner.

After eating and discussing the goodness of our steak / German potato salad / grilled green bean dinner, Clayton, started to light illegal fireworks in the backyard. They were noisy, fun and unpredictable. I have a nice scorched area on my right forearm where one shot right at me causing the smell of burnt hair to mix with the gun powder. No, it didn’t hurt. Of course, by then I was on my third glass of red wine. Yes! I actually drank. No! Hell is still quite warm.

In the middle of all this, Cameron and I are watching Clayton set up more fireworks. Cameron had the BBQ lighter that Clayton was using to light the fuses when he points it at my chest and says two words to which my response was, “That would make a great drag name!” The two words Cameron said:

Nipples Flambé

If any of you drag queens want to use it, please go for it! Just send pictures!

Needless to say, I had a wonderful Fourth especially since my boss give us yesterday off as well. Now it’s back to greasing the squeaky wheels. *sigh*