LAUREL, Maryland (WPBNews) — After a 3-and-a-half year mission to Mercury, NASA’s MESSENGER spacecraft has begun to beam back pictures of the mysterious planet. Once thought to be like our own Moon, MESSENGER is changing scientists perceptions of not only the planet, but of the universe and creation itself.

Those who have studied Mercury never expected there to be cliffs running across the planet for hundreds of miles nor did they expect the planet’s magnetic-field to be so rich in sodium. Of the 1,200 photos MESSENGER sent back, none were more shocking than the one that at first appeared to be oddly-shaped crater. On closer inspection; however, the crater turned into a photo that has completely changed the views of scientist across the world.

“At first, I thought it was some error in transmission,” says David Chapman, co-investigator of MESSENGER’s Science Team, “then I realized I had it upside down. I shouted, ‘Holy mutha-f*ckin’ nebula turds in space!’ which, of course, made all those Nobel-greedy b*tches I work with come running. Turns out it wasn’t a crater. It was a bellybutton.”

‘The Bellybutton’ has some scientists crying,
“Who has medical scissors that big?”

This statement shocked the scientific community down to their embryonic core and has brought into sharp contrast the true meaning of the Big Bang theory. Chapman thinks the explosion was more like an expulsion from what some are calling the Cosmic Womb.

The University of California, Berkeley Professor Donk “Kaimana” Richards says he has seen what he is dubbing the Universal Mother. “Yeah,” he explains giggling uncontrollably, “during Biology 420 - History of Experimental Herbs. Except one cannot, like, gaze upon her without instantly orgasming after which I, like, nap and let the students clean up. Nah-ha-ha-ha-ha.” He describes this Universal Mother as a “hot babe” who could “totally give birth to an entire social system”. According to Richards this quite fertile cosmic being has the hair of the remains of an exploded sun, pitch dark skin shimmering in galaxies and a vagina that holds the entire universe.

“And she probably farts antimatter?” asks skeptical fellow scientist, Ronald K.W. Sumner of Purdue University. “This seems highly suspect. Where is the proof? Where is the placenta? Are they saying every time we go swimming or drink, it’s birth water left over from when She spewed forth our solar system? And what the hell is with the black holes then?”

“Oh, man,” Professor Richards responds, “you don’t even, like, want to go there.”

Listening to: “The New Pollution” - Beck

I need some clarity. As I get older, I realize that I have become more and more interested in our government. Unfortunately, I took Social Studies over 20 years ago, but back then we were taught that the people are supposedly in charge of the government. We send public servants to represent us in our government ergo (I love that word, don’t you?) we have a republic NOT a democracy which our current administration continues to preach as if we were beginning another Crusades — you know, those religious wars in the 11th, 12th and 13th Centuries? Oh, how history loves to get stuck in a irrationality loop. Sometimes, I wish we could just Ctrl-Alt-Delete the past few decades just to clear out the unnecessary cache. Ha! Cache! Get it? Since it seems that we are governed more by cash than by the citizenry?

Nevermind.

However, I would like to go on and on about the public servant part of that last paragraph. Whatever happened to that term? No one uses it anymore even though we are still putting people in office to supposedly work for us. Quite frankly, I think our government — and ultimately, we, the people — look too much outside our country and not enough inside. Why? Who wants to look at your insides? They are all gross and bloody and should just operate on automatic, right? It may be a weird analogy, but it seems to fit. In no way am I saying that we should become isolationists, but I do think we should take our fingers out of everyone’s pie and use utensils instead. Our fingers shouldn’t be in our pie either. We should be baking fresh pie and sharing it with our citizens.

Let’s face it. Most of what is happening inside of America is ugly and we don’t want to see it. The fact is we should be facing it as we would the horror movies that Hollywood puts out to entertain. Just look at Sicko and the section about how our hospitals are dropping off people who need medical care. Look at the fact that none of the firehouses damaged in New Orleans have been repaired.

It has to start with us — the citizens of the United States Of America. Here is our government job: to keep the people we put in government who represent us in check. We have got to speak louder. It doesn’t matter your political affiliation. It doesn’t matter if the majority doesn’t agree with you. The fact is that communication with your representatives has never been easier with our new technology. Go to their website and tell them how you feel. If you are angry, tell them that. Don’t threaten, but state your anger in a logical way. Let them know. Tell them if they are doing a good job, too. Everyone likes praise and a little ‘attaCongressperson’ might make them less bitter; less jaded. Our government officials aren’t machines; they are human with emotions just like us and will sometimes react accordingly.

The thing is that we put our representatives in their position. We pay their salary. They should answer to us. We are their special interest group. If they see that many of their constituency are of the same mind and of the same opinion, they should be protecting our interest in government instead of catering to any special interest groups that may be bankrolling their latest car, house, campaign or casino/resort in their hurricane-ravaged city. If you don’t like the way our representative is handling things, get out and vote to give someone else their job. It’s that simple.

I realize these are all basics of that Social Studies class, but it seems that we increasingly have forgotten our rights and duties. We have become lazy — yes, myself included — and we all need to change this. Take a couple of minutes and find out who your Federal representatives are and then your state and city officials, too. At least, found out how to find out. Here, I’ll eliminate a step. Congress.org will give you a federal and state list by simply putting in your zip code. If nothing else, go out, register and then vote. You may be tired of the campaigning, but remember one thing, this is a bunch of people interviewing for a job and we are the hiring committee. All you need to do to get on this committee is fill out a short registration form. In fact, here is a good place to start.

Okay, class dismissed. Don’t forget your homework and remember the only major test will be on November 4th, so do a little research and come prepared to have your say.

Listening to: “I Beg Your Pardon (I Never Promised You A Rose Garden)” - Kon Kan

Amy Winehouse going back to rehab

Listening to: “Weather Systems” - Andrew Bird

We have several regulars at the video store — most of which I love bantering with. One of them comes in almost every Saturday morning to give me my weekend’s ration of shit. I have to set up the clip first.

Cheesman Park is the big ‘gay’ park of Denver. Every city seems to have one. Portland’s was Washington Park when I lived there. Cheesman (pronounced CHEESE-men) is a huge loop where cars go round and round during the warmer months. People play volleyball, take their dogs, cruise, jog, walk, toss Frisbee, hook-up, etc. You know. It is also where a few male prostitutes hang out, so when Ralph came in last Saturday to do his weekly job of messing with me, I thought I’d start the exchange.

ME: So, making any money in the park?
RALPH: I will once the snow melts from around my bush.

He definitely won that round.

Listening to: “I Was Born Without You” - Tracy Bonham