Hey everyone! It’s
Scott-O-Rama here.
What am I doing here and why the hell don’t I go back to my own blog, you ask? Well quite a while back Howard and I made a bet. What the bet was for I can’t quite remember… I think it was "Who has the most back hair?" or possibly "Who has the smallest penis?" or something. Regardless, I lost the bet and now I have to write a blog post here on The Web Pen Blog as punishment.
Now Howard thinks he’s soooo smart having me write on his blog. Well the joke’s on him because I’m going to let you in on a little secret of his…
Howard is a homosexual.
Wha- Wha- What?!?!? Your gasps of incredulity are ringing in my ears. How I can hear them all the way over here is a mystery, but they’re drowning out the normal voices in my head so stop with the gasping already!
Don’t be alarmed. There is no need to panic. Contrary to popular belief, homosexuality is not contagious. You’re not going to become gay yourself just because you pulled up his web page on your computer. Sure, you might catch some other skanky disease from Howard, but you’re not going to come down with a bad case of "gay."
I know that many of you are unfamiliar with and frightened by homosexuals, therefore I will give you a little background on them.
Howard is what is known as a North American Gay Male (homosexual Americanus). The North American Gay Male (NAGM) is just one of the species in the genus called Homosexuals (homosapien fabulous). The NAGM is found all throughout the United States and Canada and mixed in with almost every segment of the population with the rare exception of Evangelicals (homosapien hypocritus). Closely related is the Gay Latino (regina latino) which originates in Mexico, Puerto Rico, California, Arizona, and Miami.
NAGMs are often indistinguishable from the general population at birth. While young the NAGM faces many threats to its survival, most notably dodgeball. In fact, if dodgeball were any more fatal, the NAGM species would today be extinct. As the NAGM emerges from adolescence, its tell-tale differences begin to show. Designer labels begin to mark his pelt, and the NAGM becomes obsessed with grooming himself. Upon reaching adulthood, the NAGM displays a great affection towards alcohol-based drinks, particularly anything ending in "-tini."
Studies of the NAGM uncover a migratory pattern from small towns to larger cities in early adulthood. It is thought that the NAGM believes he increases his chances of survival and finding a mate when it joins a larger pack. Large nest areas of NAGMs are referred to as "the gayborhood" or "the gay ghetto."
The mating process of a NAGM is quite complicated indeed. In his young adulthood, the NAGM is exceedingly popular and mates a multitude of times. These mating encounters are often very brief, seldom lasting more than a single night before the NAGM moves on to a new partner. The hook-ups conclude with the futile exercise of one NAGM giving a series of digits to the other NAGM. The second makes a promise to call, but he won’t.
As a NAGM grows older, it becomes more and more difficult for him to mate. He will employ the use of alcohol and money as lure. The mating periods are longer but can result in bitter fights between the NAGMs when it’s over. NAGMs are known to quarrel rather ferociously over the only copy of the Dreamgirls soundtrack and possession of the dog.
Unbeknownst to most people, the NAGM does not age the same as their straight counterparts. The chart below explains the relative equivaliency between and NAGM’s age and that of the straight male (homosapien slobbius):
| NAGM age: |
"barely legal" |
19
|
20
|
21
|
22
|
23
|
24
|
25
|
30
|
35
|
40
|
Over 40 |
|
| Equivalent age: |
18 |
21
|
21
|
21
|
23
|
25
|
27
|
30
|
40
|
55
|
70
|
Unknown-
NAGMs at this age
are rarely seen in
public other than
Minneapolis Airport
bathroom stalls
|
There are many sub-species within the NAGM species. Some of the more popular ones include the Leather Daddy (patrius corium), the Bear (ursus capillatus), the Drama Queen (regina tragoedia), the Twink (homosexual adulescentia), the Drag Queen (regina ornatus), and the Gym Bunny (cuniculus gymnasticus). It is not certain what sub-species Howard falls into. It has been suggested that he is many cross-breeds, a.k.a. a mutt.
Some of the innate abilities of NAGMs include color-coordinating, accessorizing, ruining Thanksgiving dinner with the family, and being able to recite dialog verbatim from old TV shows and movies like "Mommie Dearest." When provoked, the NAGM defends himself with a sharp attack of sarcasm and can reduce a grown man to tears in eight words or less. NAGMs are often found in the company of a fruit fly (faggius haggius) with whom they share their darkest secrets but never their bed much to the fruit fly’s eternal chagrin.
Well, I hope this gives you a better understanding of your beloved Howard. Please don’t fear him because he is a homosexual, but rather I hope you come to appreciate what a strange and fascinating creature he is.
OK, I’ve paid off the bet, so all of you readers get your butt over to my blog where it belongs!!
[Editor's note: The Web Pen truly appreciates Scott's efforts as he seriously cracked our stuff up, but we cannot verify the scientific correctitude of this piece especially the scientific names of many of the subspecies. We are pleased to note; however, that we have heard rumors Scientific American, American Journal of Physiology, The Christian Science Monitor, Creation and Out are all clamoring to buy the piece. Congrats on your success, Scott!]
