Is it even hip and cool to start new series in a blog anymore? In case it isn’t, allow me to be retro-cool and start one. I’ve been working at a local video store for over 10 years now for two reasons: 1) it’s still fun most of the time & 2) Howard needs the caasssssh. I thought I had heard it all. Nope. Life seems to be filled with infinities and so I present you with things overheard at the corner of 9th & Downing.

These are all things that people have said either walking past the door or sitting at the coffee shop’s tables out on the sidewalk.

I lost 8 pounds due to stress.

It’s the diet that takes its payment in years off your life. Not recommended.

Mutherf*cker! My mouth is full of blood!

I could only imagine that this guy was telling someone else’s story and I only heard a quote from a bar fight story. Or he was eating in the garden while the painters were visiting IF you know what I mean.

Pretty soon, we’ll be able to read each other’s minds. I already have telepathy.

Yes, some guy actually said this. That was when I tried to be the most cantankerous S-O-B that I could possibly muster… in my mind. Now that I think about it (with my mind), I was actually channeling Samuel L. Jackson, “C’mon, mutherf*cker!” I screamed in my mind while imaging projecting thoughts directly into his delicious brains (I’m a closet zombie). “You catchin’ these thoughts, asshole? Yeah, I’m putting a mutherf*ckin’ thought cap in your brain. You receivin’ what I’m projectin’, bitch?”

Nothing. He never looked into the store. And I’ve done it each time he’s sat outside the store or the coffee shop next door. Again, nothing. Yeah, I know I’m being a dick… with my mind… but is there really a reason to make such a boast without backing it up?

I’m going to give him a dictionary with the word ‘telepathy’ bookmarked and highlighted with directions on looking up the word ‘intuition’. Totally different. In fact, I think I’ll just thought broadcast that definition whenever he shows up.

Oh, I know what you’re thinking and I’m now washing your brain out with soap.

With my mind!

Humor-blogs.com KNOWS what you think is funny.

Listening to: “Our House” - Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

A glance through the old spam folder reveals that spammers are using humor more to get you to click on their products — none more so than the penis enlargement ones. I’ve laughed at everything from “You’ll be surprised at your new penis” to “Bigger penis won’t be on TV but in your shorts” to “I’m gagging on my boyfriend’s new big one”.

We’re all going to get spam. There is no way around that, so I would like to offer up some subject lines for these spammers to keep their audience continually entertained:

• Stop your lover from saying “I’d rather play with the Wii in the living room”
• Give her a reason to ignore your crotch stank
• Value Pack! 20% More!
• 8″ Wonder Of The World!
• It puts the lotion on its penis. It does this without being told because it’s SO HUGE!
• 2 + 2 = a penis to please the most insatiable mathematician
• Erect your own Washington Monument
• It won’t cure your herpes, but the sores will look smaller in comparison
• Turn your schlort or schledium into a schlong!
• She’ll never go hungry again

Want to add length to this list? Leave your favorite subject or make one up in the comments. If you don’t, something bad will happen to your toaster in ten days.

Stop making fun of humor-blogs.com’s laugh log!

Listening to: “Bee Of The Bird Of The Moth” - They Might Be Giants

And to think I could have done this if I just gone on a mission to convert more people to Mormonism. *sigh*

I paved the road to hell a little more this weekend. Today was the day I was going to reveal a review of a brand new band that has really made quite an impression on me: The Foreign Films. In the meantime, the interview that I’ve been trying to get for three weeks finally called me the day before the article was due so I spent most of my Saturday night and Sunday afternoon putting that together. It will be posted as soon as it hits the streets.

So today I’ll share a conversation with Mateo. He and I talk almost every morning on our way to work. We should really tape some of them as they are usually hilarious — to us anyway. This morning’s topic: Dumbledore being gay.

Excerpts

Mateo: Does that make Professor McGonagall his fag hag?

Howard: When it was first announced all I could think of was NAMBLA.
Mateo: Well, it wasn’t like Dumbledore was trying to get into Harry’s robes.
Howard: No, just trying to get him to whip his wand out.

Mateo: What was the first thing Dumbledore is seen with in the books? A light dimmer. Hello! Gay!

Mateo: Does that make the Weasleys the breeders?
Howard: And how!
Mateo: I wonder if there is a magical way to undo a pregnancy? “ABORTIOSA!”

We then started to conjecture about the state of abortion rights within the world of Harry Potter and the politics involved. Yeah, that’s how we roll.

Humor-blogs.com: A Safe Place To Come Out… As A Wizard

Listening to: “They Follow You” - Siouxsie