The Tale Of Cap’n Poupee Pieces
Wednesday, September 19th, 2007 at 12:00 am
[Told in the style of Mr. Fabulous]
Avast me mateys! ‘Tis that time again to be spendin’ the day talkin’ like a pirate, so prepare yerself for the tellin’ of a tale. Be pullin’ up a bottle o’ rum and puttin’ on ye eye patch — for this tale be in 3-D!
The treasure be dug up. The crew be happy and well paid, so Poupee Pieces, Cap’n o’ the Gai Canot, be dockin’ for some shore leave in his favorite port on Ilede Incertain to be findin’ some rest and relaxation. Walkin’ through yon port town with bags full o’ gold and lust in his satin buccaneer, he be lookin’ to be puttin’ away his cutlass in some wenche’s sheath IF ye be knowin’ what I be meanin’.
He be stoppin’ at the finest establishment in Port Repos, The Blooming Clam, where he be hagglin’ with the proprietor to find the best booty booty can buy — with some extra doubloons given to be keepin’ himself off the madam’s ‘call’ list. Up the stairs he be climbin’ to the Crow’s Nest suite to meet Violet Barnacle known for her ability to remain attached to the softest of surfaces.
The door be openin’ and Cap’n Pieces peeps into the porthole he be about to install. Violet be knowin’ her part well. Smooth as his boat through calm waters, she be slidin’ over to the Cap’n to undo his breeches to inspect the ship’s canon to make sure it be loaded and ready fer firin’. His pirate garb then be hittin’ the floor.
Violet looks and screams.
“What manner of beast be you, gov’ner?” she cries. “Where’s your plank? You ain’t got no deck to swab!” she says with despair and fear in her voice.
“But, me dear…” the Cap’n stammers.
“What sort of devil, are you? You ain’t got no genitalia! I can’t be doin’ me job when there be no prow to pillage! Get out! Get you, you mon….”
“Howard! What’s all that racket down there?”
“Uh, nothing, Mom. Just, uh, watching a movie!”
“Well, keep it down! I can’t hear my stories when you keep playing ‘Shore Leave’ with your pirate dolls!”
“Yes, Mother! …arrr.”
Let Humor-Blogs.com be ye map to be plundering some funny treasure.
Be listenin’ to: “Rescue” - Lucinda Williams
September 19th, 2007 at 12:16 am
You depraved creature. Okay, so I won’t tell you what my Six Million Dollar Man figure got up to when I was ten but I will tell you a funny short story: a friend of mine at university confessed that he had to call his mother into the bathroom at the age of ten when he got an Incredible Hulk soap-on-a-rope stuck somewhere.
Boy, did I hoot and hoot when I heard that one. Poor lad. Poor mother, too. :-)
September 19th, 2007 at 3:24 am
I have never wanted to swab your poop deck than I do at this very moment.
September 19th, 2007 at 5:43 am
action figures, not dolls…
September 19th, 2007 at 7:17 am
Andy: Oh, who HASN’T been in that position? Heh-heh. Nevermind.
Mr Fab: Good, coz it’s all sticky and stuff.
Cameron: My mom never knew the difference.
September 19th, 2007 at 8:33 am
LOL Is there a hidden message? Do you lack genitalia and does your Mom live with you? :P
September 19th, 2007 at 8:34 am
Aye Aye Cap’ain. (Or was that the Engine Room guy from Star Trek?)
September 19th, 2007 at 9:42 am
Steve: Hey! Leave my mom out of this! Only I can make fun of her for living with me. (And before people start to think that, she lives in Utah)
Bossy: Both work, ma’am.
September 19th, 2007 at 11:11 am
The world doesn’t know the difference either. :P
I’m pissed that I missed a no-brainer blog topic for today. Right after I published I was like crap its September 19th. Arrrr!!!!
Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day everyone!
September 19th, 2007 at 12:50 pm
Why didn’t the pirate take his kids to the movie?
Because it was rated arrrgh!
September 19th, 2007 at 1:06 pm
Chris: I get pissed that it’s not on any calendar ESPECIALLY my SpongeBob SquarePants calendar. Jeez!
BD: Someone had to say it.
September 24th, 2007 at 7:51 am
Aaargh… I be lovin’ yer witty tale. Told like only a salty dog can. I be likin’ how ye cloak it in yer finest sailor lingo so the land-lubbers be scratchin’ their lice-free heads about what ye be sayin’. I’ll be lookin’ for yer rainbow colors out there on the merciless blue, Captain Howard.
September 24th, 2007 at 8:46 am
Nice! I see you speak Pirate well.