Have you ever wanted someone who has committed an atrocity to get their comeuppance with gusto? Me, too. So I’ve come up with a way to deal with one criminal element — the date rapist. We put them on national television in yet another reality television series.
Take a suspected serial date rapist, put him in a situation where he thinks that he’s drugged some unsuspecting victim, and tape it in a slightly grainy albeit artsy style a la “Candid Camera”. This way he’s not only caught in the act, but there is visual proof.
As our alleged rapist closes in on his prey, the action stops. Before the show was even put into production, we’ve made a special hire. We will, of course, have to dig him out of 20+ years of obscurity, but it will be worth it because as we nervously watch the predator — tension mounted high — a whispered voice will say:
We’ve replaced John Smith of [insert address in your town here to increase fear], phone number xxx-xxx-xxxx’s normal date rape victim with a cadaver. Let’s see if he can taste the difference.
After the Folgers Crystals guy finishes, we cut to a multi-angle, close-up montage of the perpetrator’s face as he does his business so we can see his triumphant leer turn into inquisitiveness, then to dawning comprehension and then to disgusted disbelief as he realizes what he’s done. And we, the viewing audience, get to laugh and laugh quite evilly at his obvious disgust like we do with all reality shows. Plus the criminal will not only end up in jail, but will have been publicly humiliated on national television. It’s a can’t-miss hit!
Of course, if the rapist actually enjoys what he is doing then we won’t air that episode. I mean, we have to have some taste and decorum about the sensitive issue of rape. Otherwise, we can all just sit back and watch the Best Reality Show Emmy Nominations come rolling in due to “good-cause” guilt politics.
*totally lying about that. It was Kevin’s idea anyway.
Humor-blogs.com would never, ever slip you a roofie.
Listening to: “Gigantic” - The Pixies
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