Grabbing the mail when I got home this afternoon, I noticed there were a couple of hefty packages. My hands were already full, so I didn’t look right away. I started to noticed a peculiar smell. “Is that the odor of a sweatshop filled with children?” I asked myself. Curious, I sorted through the mail and found this:

“Now who could have used their own children to send me a package,” thought I. The only way to find out was to open it. And THIS is what I found inside:

Uh, heh. Heh. You weren’t supposed to see that. THIS is what I found inside:

A new book? By Rob… uh… By Diesel! Now how did I get that? Oh, yes, the brainwashing sessions. The horrible repeated watching of Waterworld. The agonizing albeit delicious pain of the electrodes to the nipples. That’s right, just like a zombie, I ordered it via the Internet. “Wait! Wasn’t he supposed to sign it?”

SQUEAL! He did! Except that I can’t really make it out. Let me get a closer look!

Oh, no! I can’t read it! It’s like in Esperanto or something! I only have an education from the public school system of South Carolina which makes me GOOORgeous, but as useless as a garlic press at a bachelor pad. By Steve Jobs, I’ve got it! I’ll stand on my head and read it!

That’s much better. *giggle* I, like, like having all this blood rush to my cranial cavity. It doth trigger my precocious entity into the transcendence paramount of human experience where I may mingle like a myrmecophile unto the inarticulate masses.

And I totally know where the United States of America is on a map! Thanks, Diesel. You made me smart.

Want to be even smarter? Visit Humor-Blogs.com where you can order your own copy of the book.

Listening to: “Everybody Loves A Happy Ending” - Tears For Fears

The brain, she is fried from trying to get this show together tonight, but I’ve been on a blog roll (pun intended) all week and didn’t want ruin it by being tired. That’s for wimps. Instead, I’ll leave you with a move idea. Hmm, it’s really just one line for the remake, but it’s the penultimate one. Imagine Gone With The Wind updated and placed in an urban setting with a meth lab at stake. As the female lead begs her man to give up his rap career and be a daddy to his babies, he turns on her before he leaves and says:

Shit, girl. I don’t give a fuck!

Maybe putting one of the caps into her posterior (know wha’ I sayin’?) before lighting up his crack pipe on his way out.

Or not. Like I said, I’m tired. Have a great Labor Day (or outside the U.S. Regular Old) Weekend everyone!

When Animals Improv II - tonight and tomorrow night at the Avenue Theater.

Listening to: “Disarm” - Smashing Pumpkins

Like with that and the video do make those with the beauty contest-type girls believe in the stereotypes under, uh, for them that have digged them in the hole that dug.

I sincerely hope this is just taken out of context or that she froze up on stage; however, that didn’t stop me from sending this atrocity to Hot Doctor Wife to vent about the fact that these girls are competing for a scholarship to learn. Holy Air Brain! We should really give the losers a scholarship and the winners a job. Or better yet, give me the money. I want to go back to school to finish my degree. I qualify! I can easily point out the U.S., South Africa and Iraq on a map. Now don’t hate me because I’m smart — hate me because I’m pretty, too.

Isn’t there a scholarship out there that people who are passionate about broadening (huh, I said ‘broad’) their education? In fact with me being 40 — and supposedly more responsible — I would make the perfect student: engrossed and eager to learn so I can change my career path to a field I’ve loved all my life. Now shower me with money for college! That is as long as I don’t have to put petroleum jelly on my… teeth! I said teeth!

Anyway, I wanted to share the conversation HDW and I had while we were talking about it.

HDW: OH MY GOD, I saw this yesterday!!! What an idiot.

Howard: She’s only there for looks, baby.

HDW: And those are questionable. She should be in porn. You know, something in her mouth to shut her up. ZIIIIIIIIIING!

Howard: “Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! I love it when you fill me with your The Iraq. Yeah, U.S. Americans are so American! Yeah! Touch my South Africa. C’mon! Touch my South Africa! Twist my the map that people can’t, uh, get.”

HDW: HAHAHAHHAA

Howard: I’m so turning this into a post.

Everyone is a beauty-contestant finalist at Humor-blogs.com and most can actually point at a map.

Listening to: “Bloc Bloc Bloc” - Orchestral Maneuvers In The Dark

Finally caught, Senator Larry Craig has been exposed (huh, I said exposed) before with only rumor. I mean there were reports back in October of last year by Pam’s House Blend and Blogactive, so this news (yawn!) is not surprising.

What is surprising is a seasoned Senator not being able to come up with anything other than the old I-was-looking-for-a-piece-of-paper excuse. C’mon! You were tapping your foot. There are tons of reason for doing this (and, by the way, thanks so much for blowing that code. Huh, I said blowing.)

Here are five I came up with off the top of my head:

• You were listening to a kick-ass Molly Hatchet song on our iPod shuffle (see, it’s so small you could easily have “lost” it) and were just toe tapping
• You thought there was a scorpion in your shoe from your recent camping trip and were testing your shoe delicately so not to arouse (huh, I arouse) its ire
• You were going through your next speech and needed to count the beats to wait before delivering your dramatic point of why gays are bad for the best impact of your speech
• You thought the cop was a terrorist spy and you were tapping out bad information in morse code to help keep our country safe from places that don’t have plutocracy democracy in which case we don’t understand them and must destroy due to our ignorance
• You were impatiently waiting for your poop to fall

…or you were just looking for a piece of paper.

Why don’t you people just own up to this stuff? All you are doing is hurting your party and doing a major disservice to your constituents by getting elected under false pretenses. Or as that information hoarding bitch, Glenda The Good Witch Of The North, says, “Come out. Come out! Where ever you are! Now begone before someone drops a tell-all book on you.”

Glenda signed a full-disclosure agreement with Humor-Blogs.com as part of her public service sentence after being found guilty of endangering Dorothy Gale’s life.

Listening to: “Time Passages” - Al Stewart