Jami at Not THAT Different had a great post for the 4th anniversary of Bush’s infamous air craft carrier speech announcing that all major combat had ended. She quoted some interesting statistics:

…between 2005 and 2006, terrorism incidents worldwide increased from 11,153 to 14,338, deaths from terrorism increased from 14,618 to 20,498 and injuries increased from 24,761 to 38,191. The good news was that kidnappings were down: from 34,838 to only 15,854.

As you can see, no one bothers with kidnapping anymore. In the ever annoying (Oh! Don’t forget deadly!) power struggles of the world, kidnapping is not only failing to get a group’s message of self-righteousness across, it’s losing its power to keep the general populace properly and endlessly filled with mind-controlling fear.

We here at The Web Pen (and by ‘we’, I mean ‘me’) have done some in-depth research (and by ‘research’, I mean ‘I’m making this stuff up’) and discovered several reasons why kidnapping is just not as popular as it once was.

The plain and simple fact is that kidnapping is just a hassle anymore:

Research
You have to watch your target for at least a week — preferably a month — to learn their habits before you can even begin to think about moving to the planning phase and by that time some other hipper cell may have come up with something even better to teach you non-believers a lesson.

Planning
Now that you know your target’s whereabouts at any given moment you can finally devise an integrate plan. The problem is you can’t just make it simple anymore or you won’t make the news. It has to be flashy and spectacular like a Vegas act, unfortunately wearing flashing neon and sequins as your uniform is as much a danger to you as it is to your target.

Action
Now you have to deal with the capture. You better be working out because most people won’t go quietly. In fact, many are taking self-defense classes and will try their Captain Kirk Space Judo on you and it’s going to hurt — like a bitch. Then there is all the screaming and pleading for help, but worst of all is the disapproving looks from the by-standers that you will have to endure. I hope your self-esteem is high that day.

Negotiations
You have them. You’re covered in bandages and Bactine, but you have them. Now you have to let someone know. Hopefully, you have your press releases written. Otherwise, you’ll have to make phone calls to the press and to the family. If you’re smart, you will have been reading Negotiations For Dummies because the first thing out of their mouths is going to be, “We don’t negotiation with kidnappers.” Then you’re going to have to make death threats and they are going to say they don’t believe you and then you are going to have to cut off an ear or a finger to mail it to them. It’s just going to turn all high school on you causing you to consider dumping them in some landfill; however, that will require even MORE planning especially if you want to pin it on some judge’s sons.

Caring
That’s right, you have to water and feed the damn thing. Take it out for poopies. Make sure it’s leashed securely. All this care and attention instead of just killing them with no remorse and they STILL whine and complain about the service. You’d think they were in a 2-star motel or something. And then you have to go and stick a gun to their head to make them say that they totally agree with you and that their native country / religion / ethic background is completely wrong and just stupid — even after you let them have a bath by hosing them down in ice, cold water. What ingrates! It’s at this point you realize you should have just made a devastating bomb to strap it to a depressed zealot to kill arbitrarily and en masse, but those old habits are just so hard to break.

So you can see why kidnapping numbers have dropped so drastically and the act has become the leg warmers, the large collar or the Pia Zadora of terrorist fashion. Indeed, it is hard out here for a terrorist.