The Lilith Condom: Post #200
Friday, July 21st, 2006 at 12:10 pm
..and the winner is… Ah, it’s up in the title.
Are you tucked in and ready for your story? Comfy? Okay…
Once upon a time there was a group of gay men who wanted to go see the Lilith Fair because the line-up of the 1998 tour had someone for all in the group. Personally, I was excited to see Paula Cole & Sarah McLachlan on stage together again, but was bummed that Sheryl Crow and Tracy Bonham weren’t stopping in Denver. That was the year Cowboy Junkies were there as well, but they weren’t exciting live. The big surprise? Joan Osborne kicked everyone’s ass. She is an incredible live performer. In fact, we left to get snacks because it was just that "What if God was one of us" chick and were we ever sorry. She jumped, kicked, screamed and just got down and funky with her bad self. No kidding. Go see her live if you have a chance. A CD is not the way to listen to her.
One of the strange things going on was the passing out of free condoms. Condoms. At Lilith Fair. I understand the reasoning, but, c’mon… it’s LILITH Fair. Like most things made of rubber and that can be tied off, people started to blow up the condoms and pass them around like beach balls. What else was the audience going to do with them. IT WAS LILITH FAIR! Have I made my point sufficently?
We were at Fiddler’s Green Amphitheater (now insipidly called Coors Amphitheater) in the large lawn section surrounded by women on blankets — a group of 7 or 8 gay men amidst women enjoying music. It was great!
And then our evil minds began to hatch a plan. There were latex condoms bobbing through the air. There were bottles of sun screen on our blankets. White sun screen. Oil-based sun screen. Sun screen that would eventually break down the cohesiveness of latex. The same kind of latex that made up condoms. Condoms that could be blown up and tied off with, say, a small amount of white, oil-based, latex-breaking sun screen in the reservoir tip.
So we launched our prank and watched with the kind of anticipation that only Heinz ketchup can create. It weaved and bounced around us for an eternity while we were attempting to maintain our masks of steel. We’d had almost given up hope and our attention was drifting when the eventual finally happened. Two blankets down and a little to the left there was a lesbian couple who were innocently volleying the condom back to someone else when it popped.
Their reaction was the amplified disgust of having an unknown, white substance splatter all over their arms and face. Of course, we are all laughing with more gusto than any of us have before. Their scream was appropriate: "What was in that?!" We wanted to console them — tell them it was alright. Harmless fun even. We couldn’t speak. We could barely breath. For literally 60 seconds or so, we couldn’t communicate. We were in the complete control of a belly-wrenching laugh. Finally, I took a deep, deep breath and told them what was in the condom and when I got what I can only describe as the look of mixing acids and bases, I started guffawing all over again.
There is something to be said about waiting and the Taoist philosophy of the journey being just as fun as the goal. It was the anticipation that made the end result so funny. I know they were pissed and I apologized later when they had cooled down because they thought it was funny, too. Eventually. However, I can honestly say that it was the hardest, most sustained laugh I have ever experienced. And it felt good. The Fair had been seized. Huzzah!
Listening to: The Day My Baby Gave Me A Surprize - Devo
July 21st, 2006 at 12:25 pm
Bravo! Bravo!
Standing in my living room and clapping!
July 21st, 2006 at 12:26 pm
LOL! Thank you, ma’am!
July 21st, 2006 at 1:02 pm
The anticipation of your story could only be matched by your anticipation that day..and both were worth it.
July 21st, 2006 at 2:17 pm
Ahhh.. wait. What have you done with the real Leslie?
July 21st, 2006 at 3:12 pm
If that’s a real picture of the lesbian who caught your condom, that must have been an awfully HORNY MAN!
July 21st, 2006 at 3:22 pm
Well, I was holding off with the graphic waiting to see if a friend had time to make one, but he’s has a lot of drama with car and his job, so I finally found one that I thought funny. Inappropriate, probably, but damn funny nonetheless.
If he gets a graphic made, I’ll replace it, but otherwise it’ll stay. :)
July 21st, 2006 at 3:55 pm
HILARIOUS. The ladies should not have been so surprised. You were, after all, only looking after their colletive skins by lubricating them en masse.
So thoughtful.
More stories, Uncle Howard!
July 21st, 2006 at 3:58 pm
hilarious. woth the wait indeed.
July 21st, 2006 at 4:33 pm
Cliz: yeah! You think they’d be thankful! It was hot and the UV index was HUGE. And, you know, what if they broke up, they would need nice skin to attract another companion. We were just looking out for their future.
Hubs: Thanks, man. Appreciate that.
July 21st, 2006 at 6:05 pm
HY-sterical, I say! Very funny, indeed.
Oh, and I completely agree with the Joan Osbourne bit. We saw her at the LoDo Music Festival three years ago, and she kicked complete and total ass. I was pregnant and miserable, but I stood in the summer heat, side by side with a bunch of drunk idiots just to see that woman perform.
How was the drive-thru, by the way?
July 21st, 2006 at 6:07 pm
Or, how about, the drive-IN movie??
I blame the lack of alcohol. I need some. STAT. Happy Hour, commence!
July 21st, 2006 at 8:00 pm
Ahhh… memories. Good times.
July 21st, 2006 at 11:35 pm
HDW: Thanks. It was damn funny and I’m glad someone else out there knows Joan can rock the house. The drive-in was fun! I saw Pirates for the third time. We couldn’t stay awake for Cars even though that’s the one I wanted to see again.
Lorne: Yes, I’m glad you and Hayes were there to share it. Can I get a collective “ahhh” in the house?
July 22nd, 2006 at 9:09 pm
You owe me a Mouthwash Fountain story! ;)
July 22nd, 2006 at 9:20 pm
I don’t owe no one no nothing no how no why, Mr. Demandy McWantsky. Besides that story not as naughty as you might think. :)
July 22nd, 2006 at 10:59 pm
How did you know my drag name? Tee Hee!!!
July 22nd, 2006 at 11:44 pm
Sorry. That’s Ms. :)
July 23rd, 2006 at 1:11 am
Ahh the mammories! Anyway, great write-up on one of the best stories we have had to tell over the years!!!
And, I do believe I wasn’t meant to finish that graphic… this one is just too hilarious and perfect!
July 23rd, 2006 at 4:56 am
Oh, oh, but that was so FUNNY! x
July 24th, 2006 at 9:34 am
Hayes: I’m not sure I’d want mammories in the corners of my eyes.
Andy: Thanks, Andy!
July 24th, 2006 at 5:11 pm
Dude - that’s nothing but wrong. Funny, but wrong.
October 5th, 2006 at 12:17 am
That was pretty funny! Lol, thanks for the pick me up, I needed that. :)