Forbes published this AP story on Oprah and Monkey’s Uncle decided to publish this press release:

Mateo and his friend Howard want to be clear: they’re not gay.

In today’s blog posting on The Monkey Blog, Monkey’s Uncle’s blog, the highly skilled improvisational player explains that some people misunderstand his close friendship with Howard.

"I understand why people think we’re gay," he says. "There isn’t a definition in our culture for this kind of bond between men. So I get why people have to label it — how can you be this close without it being sexual?"

In a long article, Mateo, ("don’t you even fucking ask my age, bitch"), and Howard converse about their 7 years of friendship and "four-times-a-day phone calls." Howard, who hosted Planting Penguins just last Monday, is a player in Monkey’s Uncle.

The two friends say they would have no problem telling the public if they were in a sexual relationship.

"The truth is, if we were gay, we would tell you, because there’s nothing wrong with being gay," says Howard. "Plus, if we were gay, then Mateo’s long-time male ‘partner’ would be super pissed."

Says Mateo: "Something about this relationship feels otherworldly to me, like it was designed by a high-powered fashion guru with hands that are just a little too big to be completely enjoyed. Whatever this friendship is, it’s been like a fun ride on something that takes ‘AA’ batteries."

This is a parody of an Associated Press article that consisted of material that isn’t supposed to be rewritten. So sorry.

Listening to: Private Storm - Sam Phillips