Mom’s Afternoon ‘Delight’
Thursday, May 25th, 2006 at 2:32 pm
In 1976, I was 9-years-old (evilly, I’ll make you do the math). It was the 200th birthday of the United States Of America and it was the peak of my naive, non-questioning patriotism. I was so into the birthday celebration I owned an 8-track copy of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir’s Stars And Stripes Forever (still in print!). This makes me wonder how many other people my age were brought up mixing church and state due to the Bicentennial and then never let it go. It was also the era of “Schoolhouse Rock” where every Saturday morning on ABC we would learn, in song, ’selective’ history of our great country.
But this post is not a rant on how patriotism has become a dirty word. This is all about how I thoroughly albeit unknowingly embarrassed the hell out of my mom.
The big musical news in 1976 was the debut album and smash hit of one of the most successful one-hit wonders in rock history. They were nominated for 5 Grammys that year — winning two including the death-kiss award, Best New Artist and their single, “Afternoon Delight” was a huge hit during the summer. Starland Vocal Band is now the butt of many a joke; however, the song itself is also regarded as a mirror to the decadence of the 70’s ironically mounted on a wall of soft rock.
Flash forward to 1977 where “Afternoon Delight” is now relegated to the confines of over-head speakers at groceries stores — specifically Bi-Lo. Never heard of Bi-Lo? Unless you live in the Carolinas, Georgia or Tennessee then there is a good chance you haven’t; however, it was the place we always purchased groceries until Winn-Dixie built a store close to us.
I’m now 10 — a little more knowledgeable of the world around me, but still lacking a clue of what the hell “Afternoon Delight” is truly about. I think it’s all about having a picnic with your spouse on July 4th and watching fireworks. I’m talking about this lyric:
Rubbin’ sticks and stones together make the sparks ignite
And the thought of lovin’ you is getting so exciting
Skyrockets in flight
At this point, Michael is 3 and in the buggy with Mom. Chris, 7, is running around with me and we’re probably playing a game of Hot Lava with the multi-colored floor tiles. (”Hot Lava”? You know the green tiles are lava and the white tiles are safe and if you step on a green tile you’re dead. DUH! Holy crap! I found a Wikipedia listing for the game!) Mom usually let me do more than other kids because I was always more mature than my age and I usually kept an eye out for Chris so I always got to spend time away, which I’m sure was a nice break for Mom.
As you can imagine, “Afternoon Delight” begins to drift up and down the aisles of canned vegetables and boxed cereals (still my favorite aisle). It’s one of my favorite songs. I would sing it all the time at home and in the car, but we are currently in a very Baptist, Southern and conservative public setting. My mom told me she could hear me three aisles away singing at the top of my lungs things like, “Thinkin’ of you’s workin’ up my appetite” and “We could make a lot of love before the sun go down”. Turning completely red, she nonchalantly tore across the store with our cart searching frantically to shush me up before the song ended. It’s only three minutes long. I vaguely remember it, but Mom must have quieted me in a way that didn’t scar me since I don’t remember feeling chastised.
Years later we both laughed about how she was never more embarrassed by my actions. When I asked her about it a few weeks ago, she claims she didn’t remember the incident at all but said she remembers the bus station performance in front of a jukebox at the age of 3 or 4 singing The Archies‘ “Sugar, Sugar” for all the waiting passengers over and over again. But that’s a bedtime story for another night. Sweet dreams!
I would like to nominate the following lyrics from “Afternoon Delight” as the worst ever written:
I always thought a fish could not be caught who didn’t bite
But you’ve got some bait a-waitin’ and I think I might
By nibblin’ a little afternoon delight
Listening to: The Way We Get By - Spoon
May 25th, 2006 at 3:16 pm
and by “worst”, i’m sure you mean “best”.
May 25th, 2006 at 3:33 pm
No, those are pretty vomit-inducing.
May 25th, 2006 at 7:59 pm
Whats up with the math Howard? That was HARD!
And I agree worst=best. But I disagree on the choice. I nominate the following from THE infamous Bonnie Tyler song:
Where have all the good men gone
And where are all the gods?
Where’s the street-wise Hercules
To fight the rising odds?
I need a hero!
I’m holding out for a hero ’till the end of the night
He’s gotta be strong
And he’s gotta be fast
And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight!
——————————
Fresh from the fight? Street wise Hercules? C’mom, thats awesomness in its purest form!
May 25th, 2006 at 10:50 pm
What? No mention of the Jim Steinman classic “Total Ecslipse Of The Heart”?
“We’re living in a fire keg and givin’ off sparks” is worse than anything in “I Need A Hero”.
May 26th, 2006 at 7:23 am
Let’s get physical!
Physical!
I wanna get physicaaaaaalll
(something) into? physical
lemme hear your body ta-alk
Your body talk
Lemme hear your body taallk…
ah, golden youth. and little Shelley disapprovingly informing me that “physical” was a “bad word” and me in my eight year old indignation, no it’s not! physical means like exercise! don’t you know anything?
Bonnie Tyler gets forgiven a fair amount for her lovely raspy voice.
annoying happy-house remake of “Total Eclipse” has no redeeming features whatsoever. like so much in this our modern woild.
and now get those goddam kids offa my lawn.
May 26th, 2006 at 8:04 am
Hey, Belle!
I think the best/worst lyric in “Physical” would be: “There’s nothing left to talk about/’Less it’s horizontally”
That’s naughty, baby.
May 26th, 2006 at 10:50 am
Well I am here to tell you that I do remember this now especially since you have printed the whole story and I still like this song and now that it is in my head I will be singing it all day. If you watched the Ellen show the other day the show was set as a musical and the last song was one that I still am singing. And of course I am am singing from my woo woo If you have no idea what I’m talking about log onto her website and you can listen to the song. Good job son. Mom
May 26th, 2006 at 10:59 am
“I’m just a bill, yes I’m only a bill and I’m sitting here on Capital Hill… “
May 26th, 2006 at 11:01 am
Mom, I haven’t seen that episode, but I did just watch the commercial and it looked hilarious. I’ll have to see if it’s Tivo’ed at the house.
Godwhacker, no, no, no! Those are GOOD lyrics. ;)
May 26th, 2006 at 11:29 am
Okay, so my mom came through with the linkage to the Ellen show if anyone is interested.
Go the Ellen’s site and along the bottom is a bunch of links. Click on Ellen The Musical and you can see several clips from that show.
May 26th, 2006 at 1:24 pm
did your mom just say “singing from my woo woo”? whoa!
May 26th, 2006 at 1:42 pm
Do you now see where I got my sense of humour? :) She was quite impressed with the Ellen Musical episode.
And the Woo Woo Song WAS funny, Mom.
May 27th, 2006 at 6:41 am
Howard,
Thank you and your Mom for tipping us off about Ellen: the Musical. How hilarious!
As for Afternoon Delight, I was a few years older than you and pretty much knew what they were talking about, but I still loved that song…
Michael C.
May 28th, 2006 at 3:25 pm
I always thought that song was about an afternoon snack. Which, incidentally, in an innuendo-filled world, I suppose it is.
FYI: Kids still play “Hot Lava.” My 5 year old plays it all the time, everywhere. Usually while singing “Love Will Keep Us Together.” Yes, he loves that song.
And, really, is “Afternoon Delight” any worse than “Candy Shop?” I mean, it’s the same freaking thing, just dressed up as a picnic instead of a trip to Ghirardelli’s!
May 30th, 2006 at 11:55 pm
Everyone now remember to breathe from your who who and sing from your who ha Ijust keep singing that song and laughing I want a copy of the show so I can listen to it. Mom
May 31st, 2006 at 8:03 am
Hmmmm… I may be able to help there.
February 1st, 2007 at 2:39 pm
[...] at Howards blog (who is a very funny, relatively-recently-discovered-by-me, Denver blogger that you should bookmark [...]
March 20th, 2007 at 1:49 pm
[...] Wyoming doing a search for the song “Afternoon Delight” by Starland Vocal Band and hitting upon this post. I don’t think it was what they were looking for. They left [...]