So I Ran Into A Tree
Thursday, March 30th, 2006 at 2:55 pmNo, I mean I literally ran into a tree last night. The tree gave me several lacerations across the left side of my nose, opened up my lip in two places, bruised the inside of my mouth and gave me a fat lip so I look a stroke victim. It was obviously dirty, too, because I had to get a tetanus shot.
I now have 8 stitches in my upper lip.
And I was stone-cold sober at the time.
I was doing sound and lights for the Rodents Of Unusual Size last night and we were going to hang out afterwards to discuss the show. I went to put my bag in my car and get my jacket when I saw Deletta, her husband and her friend walking up the sidewalk when I thought I’d be funny. Isn’t that just like me? Screaming ’shit’, I turned to run away from them like a hooker about to be pimp-choked, but little did I know that a tree had snuck up behind me and I immediately smashed into it much like every comedy you’ve ever seen. The problem with comedies is there is rarely any pain and blood associated with bouncing off a tree. I now see comedy for the lie it is and have decided to vote Republican.
No one had yet realized that I had hurt myself. In fact, Deletta went so far as to compliment me on my physical comedy when her husband pointed out that my nose was bleeding. Thankfully the Rodents is full of women comedians and a couple of them hand me tissues as I stood over the sidewalk dripping blood ("Run! Fag bleeding!"). We walked down to a bar a block away from Avenue Theater and I immediately went to the restroom to clean myself up. The mirror was the last thing I wanted to look at, but finally got the courage up to see what had happened to my puss. It was ugly. There is a scar from a motorcycle accident mere millimeters away from where two other gouges are bursting forth with meaty carnage, so I thought, "Nice! More sexy scars to drive the guys wild!"
Now is the part of the story where you need to know about Shari. She is one of my favorite people and an extremely talented improv comedian who has guest starred with Monkey’s Uncle on several occasions. Shari lives up the road from me, so we car pooled. In my car. It’s a stick. She can’t drive a stick. Holding a big wad of paper towels to my face, I drive myself to the emergency room while Shari and I cracked jokes about me driving myself to the emergency room with a healthy passenger in the car with me. Frankly, I have never laughed as much as I did last night. Shari is a godsend.
And thusly ends the first part of our story. I just noticed that a giant flying jack-o-lantern grabbed an anthropomorphic fire truck on some show on Cartoon Network and flew off with it. I want to see if it was part of the plot or if the pain medication is working again. Part two of the story will be about the visit to St. Joseph’s Hospital (I’ve had the best experiences there) where Shari and I made more jokes than I’ll ever remember, but they certainly took my mind off things.
Listening to: When I Fall - Sam Phillips (you do not even know how tempting it is to put that I was listening to Dave Matthews’ "Crash Into Me" but I don’t own it)
Links to other posts in this series:
March 31st, 2006 at 12:07 am
I’m glad you have a GREAT sense of humor. I hope you heal well my friend.
March 31st, 2006 at 12:09 am
Yeah, you do have great times at St. Joe’s… Remember that time you were on the can, and I came pounding on your door and you were all like, hold on, it’s not like it’s an emergency, and I was all like bleeding in the hallway outside your door after slicing my pinky open when a glass broke doing the dishes…. Ah great times!
Seriously thought, is it time to start the Howard’s reconstructive surgery fund?
Get better! And watch out for that tree!
March 31st, 2006 at 12:11 am
Ha!! I was first!!
March 31st, 2006 at 10:14 am
This kinda reminds me of when my ex-boss burned his eyebrows off (and did need reconstructive surgery) by fucking up a flaming drink shot. How are they similar you ask? Because they are both stupid and would be GREAT to see in person. But he was also the biggest prick on the planet, and you aren’t. So I hope you are feeling better!
March 31st, 2006 at 10:37 am
Leslie, you’re story reminded me to add to the story that I was COMPLETELY SOBER at the time. I’m just a big ball of energy.
In fact, I don’t drink at all because it turns me into a sad sod and I’m no fun to be around.
March 31st, 2006 at 4:25 pm
I hope you feel better soon Howard. I sprained my hand this week. I just purchased my first home. It was a cold night for Florida, so I was excited to try out my new fireplace. I had a supply of those manufactured fireplace logs, but I wanted to be “butch” and cut my own wood. Let’s just say the wood fought back and I lost.
You do sound and light too?!? My profile picture is of me doing lights for a local drag show a few years back.
March 31st, 2006 at 4:48 pm
I do lights & sound for the Rodents show. I guess I do them for my troupe, too, but it’s more like running off-stage and doing them. The Monkeys are getting more and more involved with that stuff. The Rodents show is fun because they want me to join in from the booth if I have something funny to add to any scene there are doing. At this point, they are taking about dedicating their next show to me including a skit where they talk about my tree incident years from now when we’re all old.
I’m sorry to hear about your hand, but CONGRATS on the first home!!! That’s fantastic! Hope you heal up soon. :)
March 31st, 2006 at 7:51 pm
I guess we have more in common then good taste in music ~ especially this week.
March 31st, 2006 at 8:03 pm
True, but have you heard and fallen in love with The Rancoteurs’ “Steady As She Goes”? I’m in the middle of writing up a review of a single, which I hardly ever do, but it’s just the first song in a long, long time to immediately kick me in the balls. I heard it weeks ago on their site, but just found out you can buy it.
…in a good way.
You can get it on iTunes.
April 1st, 2006 at 8:33 am
Leslie,
I am convinced it’s never a good idea to give a shot of anything on fire to a drunk person! One of my good friends for his birthday was given a mexican flag shot by the restaurant (I am guessing they chose this because all night he had been sticking his finger in the goldshlager shots and lighting his finger on fire then putting it out in his mouth). The Mexican flag is an impressive looking shot as it is three layers that seperate out into a red white and green layer, and then lit on fire. Well it came time to drink the shot and they were trying to explain to him to put his finger in the top of the liquid to put it out. He missunderstood and thought they said pick up the whole shot and drink it. Well since the whole thing was on fire, he immediately started burning that hand… but instead of putting it down, what did he do? He put it in his other hand and burned that one! Ahh drunks are fun! I think we all learned something that night… Just because someone looks like they know what they are doing, if they are drunk, never give them a shot enveloped in fire! :)
April 1st, 2006 at 9:15 am
April Fools! It was Hayes who did that not his ‘friend’.
Okay, I lie. However, it is cool that people are having conversations amongst themselves on my blog. It means the blog has made the big time. Hayes, yours is also the first time any posting has been in the double digits. You are the first 10th comment on The Web Pen Blog.
First prize is having your boyfriend tie your shoelaces together. Take it away, Dan!
April 1st, 2006 at 10:52 am
Woot! 12th!
April 3rd, 2006 at 11:18 pm
LUCKY 13 mofos!!!
Hayes when are you coming to another show? It took me an unbelievably long time to figure out you knew Howard and not just Karen, but I’m dumb about those things.
And Howard guess what my confirmation word is? QNSJIVE…that should be the new name for this unbelievably durable thread
April 4th, 2006 at 12:01 am
I am trying my damnest to think of what QNS would stand for. The JIVE is easy when you got it, baby.
And remember, sweetie, I’ve known Hayes much longer than your Karen.
I just made my first Absolutely Fabulous reference on the blog! Whoooo!!!
April 5th, 2006 at 12:37 am
Definitely time to vote Republican. They have known all along that Trees Are The Enemy, and must be exterminated with extreme prejudice.
seriously, dude, heal well! that doth sucketh.
April 5th, 2006 at 12:54 am
Cripes! The comment section is longer than the post! Thanks so much, B. I really appreciate it. Things are definitely healing up.
April 5th, 2006 at 9:42 pm
QNS = Queens. Anybody who lived in NYC would know that, DUH
April 5th, 2006 at 9:55 pm
I’ve never lived in NY. DUH! In fact, I’ve never been to the NE. GAAAAAA!!!
…everywhere else in the country, but not the NE!
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